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Lucky streak...

Lately I've been thinking about how lucky I am. As I've mentioned before, my last relapse was my worst yet, and the treatment I'...


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Thursday, 23 February 2012

Insomnia has hit...

If any of you reading this has ever had insomnia before you'll know how hard it is to accurately describe how it feels (aside from reality seems like a dream world). I feel like I'm living in "Life On Mars" or "Ashes To Ashes", aside from I haven't fallen into a coma and time travelled back into my past...

This is all due to the number 22 (22mg of the meds), which can take up to 3 months for me to get used to - expect me to be an actual zombie by my 25th birthday! Number 44 (mg) will be in my life soon...ugh.

As long as it's all worth it in the end eh... I can't even write. So tired I can't sleep.

Bye for now, my imagination and creative juices have dried up.

Saturday, 18 February 2012

Speaking too soon & not taking the moral high-ground...

Yes, I spoke too soon. After I wrote my last blog I took my medication, not knowing that in fact I was taking the mid-dose (from 8.8mg, to 22mg - quite a difference), as it happens automatically. I then looked at the screen on my medication device and thought: "Oh shit."

I woke up the next day feeling like I had the flu, and was too drowsy to drive, so I had to text my boss asking for emergency holiday - there goes my aim of not taking a sick day off this month: fail.

Anyway, after a day of being like a zombie, I'm back to normal for now - until the next time.

This week was Valentines Day and I saw some varying degrees of status updates on Facebook. Mine was saying Happy Kaching Day to the card companies (which is true on Mothers Day/Fathers Day/Easter/Xmas...and anything else they can possibly make into a holiday).

I guess this day is limited to people who are actually in relationships, so at least being single does have some advantages - I don't have to spend any money on this one: win.

If i was in a relationship though, I would perhaps do swapping cards, but nothing else (and no, I'm not saying that because I'm single and trying to take the moral high-ground). I think hand-made cards show effort, and no money goes to Hallmark/Clinton cards either!
I'm a cheap date in that respect, but I think gestures throughout the year are important too.

Now here's the rant: I was talking to one of my friends the other day about Valentines and how smug people in relationships have to brag to your face.

Smug person: "So Jo, what did you get for Valentines/what are you doing?"
Jo: "Er, nothing, I'm not seeing anyone."
Smug person: "Well, I got flowers, chocolates, perfume, oh and he is taking me out tonight too. I can't imagine being single."
Jo: (Thinking) Did I ask? Oh, and thanks!

With Facebook, many singletons were saying what is the point, and the non-singletons were arguing the point of they do make gestures throughout the year, but like to do things on Valentines too. I think both have a fair-point.
I just wouldn't celebrate it, as more often not, I never seem to have a boyfriend on Valentines, so it's not something I usually do (one Valentines I went to Amsterdam, and told him to go out with his mates - best Valentines ever), it'd be like me suddenly declaring I'd like to celebrate Diwali or Hannukah.

That's probably nearly enough self-indulgent ramblings for one week; aside from one more thing - I'm taking my younger sister to see Rizzle Kicks in March, so I decided to have a listen to their album, so I'd know some songs when we go, and I actually quite like it... There's a lot of ska-influences in there, and they heavily sampled The Clash "Revolution Rock" (anything with The Clash in or on, I will invariably like or buy - I even have Clash drinks coasters...)

My music taste has being becoming more broad over the past couple of years anyway, but who'd've thought me and my sister would actually agree on something...she does like Lady GaGa though and there is no way I will go down that route - that would be one step too far.

Ciao/Tchau for now xxx

Thursday, 16 February 2012

No change to all change...

It's amazing how quickly life can pick up pace, after spending a few years in limbo.

If you've read my recent entries, you'll know by now I've been coming to terms with living with MS, and if any of you know me in real life (as opposed to online), you may know how un-like myself I have been in recent years...blah blah blah.

Now I know what the problem is, I've been tackling it as head-on as possible, by healthy living, exercise, becoming a human pin-cushion (the meds, not acupuncture, really not my thing), and throwing a bit of PMA in there...yes, this doesn't sound like me at all (aside from the "fuck you" attitude towards whatever shit life decides to throw at me). Since all of this, time has being speeding past.

So, I move in two weeks time and the move in date is when me and my best mate Holly are in Berlin (I didn't mean to time it that way - we booked the trip, then I decided to move out about a week later...) I'm looking forward to some culture, history and architecture...(well, German beer, Curry-Wurst, and the Ramones Museum mostly).

Dare I say it I actually feel kinda healthy, hardly any fatigue, but I'm still on edge, waiting for my bubble of seemingly to-good-to-be-true happiness and luck to burst. If I get through to October without a relapse (or even just a shorter one) I'll be able to relax a bit more.

Anyway, this blog hasn't got much of a point to it - I guess it's just a rambling "Dear diary..." style blog entry.

I was tempted to write a blog on something political, but then I realised that I wouldn't know where to start, apart from the following: To sum up the world - Corruption, religion and war - the world is a fucked up place (but life's too short to worry - enjoy it).


Saturday, 4 February 2012

In control? Out of control?

Well, life right now is actually pretty good. Miss Cynical here isn't so negative about what's going on with herself anymore - maybe more blogs will follow ranting about the world in general...but if I were to write one now, it'd turn into one big essay - so I won't.

I read an article on The Guardian online the other day, about the regrets of people on their death-beds ( http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying ), and it made me think.

Generally I'm very "live for the moment", but there are things I hold back on as I'm scared of something negative happening, and ultimately being let down.
In the article number three and five apply to me (Expressing Feelings & Not Letting Yourself Be Happier).

I've allowed myself to be happier by not dwelling on my health, and working through my fatigue - just getting on. I'm also moving out to Hove with a good friend from work (Sam), and her friend Hayley. Moving out was a quick decision, but a good one (although I'm sure my liver won't be so happy, as I envisage more drinking at the weekends....)

In regard to expressing my feelings, due to past shitty boyfriends, being single for a long time, and no relationship lasting longer than two months (wow, I must be putting a good impression of myself out there huh), I generally don't express them, and have regretted not doing so in the past. I'm a sensitive soul really ;)

As life is so short and all, taking control of life a bit more will hopefully mean I won't have too many regrets on my death bed.
Read the article, if you haven't already - it's a good read and will make you think.

Sorry for making this blog sound like some kind of personal, self-help diary. I guess this is me expressing my feelings, without having to babble on to my friends after one too many ciders (although I'm sure that happens anyway - I have a tendency to ramble...if you hadn't noticed already!)

Ciao for now (let's hope for no snow...)