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Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Philosophising, etc...

So, this year has been even more of a "becoming", "growing up experience" kind of year for me.

It's been just over a year since my diagnosis, and I think now I've come to terms with MS as much as possible. When feeling my worst, I do think there are others worse off than me, and give myself a little telling off for any slight self-pity (no shouting at myself in the mirror, don't worry, I haven't totally lost it yet).

I still maintain that myself and others in similar, worse or even seemingly not as bad situations, have a right to be pissed off regardless. Being pissed off comes more from uncertainty and feeling like I'm being slowed down, when I should be speeding up and enjoying life while I can.

My MS nurse confirmed what I was already thinking, that my MS is more active. The pro, now I'm passed the time period of getting used to my medication, having a relapse means I am now technically eligible for the pill medication. If they did decide to allow me this, it would start off being monitored in hospital for a day, as it can slow my heart rate down (my current one speeds up my heart rate, making me have several "falling and crashing down on the bed" dreams each evening I take the medication), but this medication is apparently more effective. The cons? Highly active Relapsing-Remitting MS? It might sound worse than it could end up being - it might stay the same and not get any worse...who knows.

The uncertainty eats away at me, but if tomorrow I was told with some certainty that things were worse, that would hurt even more (despite it being certain), so I try to keep busy rather than think about it too much. I put on a front, don't break down in front of friends or family, I'd rather be trying to enjoy life as much as I can, as you don't know when it could be cut short.

I'm still trying to get a band together (a practice soon might happen), and revising for my financial exam at work, while still trying to have a creative outlet in music journo writing, but am too tired to do all well at the moment (even if I was well, it'd be a mean feat). This year more than ever, has shown me who matters in my life, before I was ill, I was never a flake, if there was 2 bands I wanted to see in one night, I'd go to both, see as many of my friends as possible. Now, I make arrangements, and often cancel at the last minute, only due to my health - as one minute, I can feel well, the next, full of fatigue and unable to do anything but sleep (for someone that used to say "sleep is for the afterlife - aside from weekend lie ins", it feels crap doing that - but if you have your health you have nothing).

I mentioned in an earlier blog about a friend of mine which sadly passed away, which gave me a kick up the arse to catch up with those I could & try to get a band together, after a couple of months, I realise my fatigue is getting in the way, despite my trying.

Anyway, we hadn't hung out properly in a couple of years, but would always see him around Brighton & on the bus, our last conversation was: "We should meet up for a drink soon." This didn't happen, but I had a dream a few weeks ago, where we were at a house party, having a chat on someones sofa, sharing a bottle of cider, I asked what he was doing here, and he said he was just saying hello, not goodbye, and said "see you later" to everyone. It got me thinking, I don't need to catch up with absolutely everyone I know "just in case", it's not possible, life is life, treasure the memories and the good times - even the good times with those who you might not be friends with now for whatever reason (they all contribute to who we are).

Anyway, a few pints of organic cider as made me more philosophical than usual, so off to bed with me.

Ciao xx